All throughout breakfast and gentle conversation over half chai, half coffee, I felt, with looming suspicion, the sense of inevitable failure that hounds my mind on certain cowardly days. This is when my skull feels like it is imploding. All thoughts echo through taunting me to give up in a black cloud of disgust and defeat. Make no mistakes here, my fingers are not flying as easily as they once could. My fingers freeze up in this cold and sometimes the anxiety warps my perception of everything. I feel the teeth grinding fear of inadequacy cut me in line.
Desire to sob without a single specific reason.
Desire to write without a specific purpose behind the words. Exercise, sure. Like running on a treadmill instead on the wet streets of Washington. I feel myself shrinking. Microscopic. Futile.
We have mundane issues to work through and then we die.
Here I am. In a murderous bout of self defeat. The sun peaks out and my shadow bums me out. The vague outline of my figure on the ground there is doing much better than me. Wow, what a successful day! he says. Then smokes wax and falls into delirium when the parents spoil him he accepts with open arms devoid of choice. Here is the train derailed. Here are the words that do not want to bubble up to the surface. here is high velocity defeat. I lose and lose and lose. attempt to translate the core feeling of this day juxtaposed against so many beautiful days of recent experience. music adventures yesterday with old friends and sense of humor is clever and word oriented but some are testing the boundaries of understanding. not everything connected, just like all of the neurons that are currently misfiring, shrapnel and fireworks in all directions but the one that I need to take to achieve clarity. One hundred wishes granted in an instant, the mind was obliterated. Explosions at the top of the spinal column. Quick little phrases. Nothing much conveyed. The pattern formed is an illusion. Something to space out into if you’re stoned. Unable to speak and boring days of mcdonalds drive throughs and fries and sweet tea. Nothing here. Pseudo-food.
Calm down now. Relax and breathe. Find peace. Quell the anxiety. Have a good time. No need to get drunk at a wild holiday party dressed as a monster. I feel exactly like all of that inside. My mind feels like it has received the last place ribbon at a halloween costume contest. My college days have been suspended and I’ve missed so much. She has missed so much. Is love worth such constant pain and questioning? I feel bad for her. Trapped in the dying college light, searching for something formidable to hold on to. I’ve ruined her best years by being so far away and agonizing her to make time for me.*
(*not entirely true to me. some days after she went to a crazy party I wonder how it would be a different level of fun without my lingering ghost to rain on her parade.)
we’re a cute couple. we get really drunk and melancholy about it all.
I’m in mental anguish. My day hasn’t even started yet.