January 7th

Made a mess of my afternoon. Coffee and slow reading of Othello. Too slow, honestly. Distractedly slow. Looking outside at smoldering discarded cigarettes and thinking about the drain pipes of the U-District. Where they lead to greater bodies of water. Thinking about the stinky fog from last night. The high polluted air for 30 miles or more in all directions, Boeing as the epicenter. Then, I thought of the future of humanity in a near-apocalyptic, deranged world of gas masks and swiss cheese ozone layers, the plants that somehow survive our evils. I am sad in this moment. I am bad at being productive in this vacuous apartment. My back hurts. I came back for a free lunch and sat and sat and looked at news articles and did no homework and made no improvement. Now I’m poised to nap but my eyes catch moments of sunset out the window and what a god damn shame it would be to miss another, another, another, some orange glares ignored because of creative catatonia, cold hands, really, cold fingers, Shakespeare up in the planetarium, the bike map, the poetry confessional, the closed doors of new sexual relationships with old friends, the open doors of old sex relationships with new friends, the mistake of the blood to decide a necessity of a nap instead of piecing the anxious fragments together into a complete image of the productive afternoon. Guitar, reading, recording tinkering, experimenting, music listening, voice practicing, cover song vocalizing, speech writing, snow day planning, laundry out of dryer receiving, showering, smiling, happily accepting the award, and letting the pause after the last note indicate it was the last note but lead up to into without cadence or fanfare or celebratory notes all lined up, stacked, growing, spreading, all arms up to the faces of the listener, and what happened with keeping a good schedule of faithfulness? Maybe it is the threat of lingering work at 8pm that keeps me a bit claustrophobic in my own body, in my own acknowledgement of the awesome amount of work I truly must accomplish in a timely fashion. The first week. Giver yourself a break but then time manage and fill in the blanks with music. The last notes.

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