Buddha smiles at me and dj music mocks me and this is the home that my younger self died in, there, on the couch. Are you with me, listener? Can you tell how loud I am speaking? What if I say, “Everything I did today was okay for awhile and then I just sort of, I don’t know, showed up on the couch again, with some beer and the cat meowing to get out…” ? Could you tell I was trailing off into the turtle shell of my sweater?
Good. Well I’m lonely and it actually feels pretty bad this time. I know being alone is good for the creating of material to show to others, like friends, see, but what friends are hiding in the walls (don’t you know? I just tried calling Michael and his voice mail was just a phone number but still I left a clunky awkward social injustice of a message and scratched my scalp with my fingernails like I’m trying to warm the dead regions of my brain… the regions that have social grace are so dormant and impossible these days.)
There are plants to water – songs to make. Hats to put away. A dictionary to open and find a word to define everything ever about my present hellish mindset. Could it be tumult? Could it be heretic? I’ll keep searching and let you know later. For now this is a one sided conversation. Words coming out of one person and ending in the air, stale, unheard, absent of actual human contact. This is the same as broadcasting live radio from the mountains where no one else has reception. This is like trying to talk to my cat. Trying to scold him for escaping after the dark. Or for waking me in the morning too early. Maybe he knows I need to get back to the gym, cut back on my beer consumption (guzzles) and then move toward Nabokov virtuosity and lie on the ground face first when I succeed at anything.
Sadness is an odd numbered lettered word. Word is three sad consonants, crowding the ‘o’ unfairly, and does that even make semblance of sense?
Language always fail when emotions are too loud or stinky.
The word of the day is mason bee. Like I said in the title. (any of various solitary bees of the genus anthidium found worldwide, that build clay nests.