February 19

Please excuse me for my nonchalant passive absent minded talk. There were words that needed to be said and a format to say them in and a way to convey thoughts as they occur in nature, as they fire across my internal retinas, as the motorcycles burst out the window, a calendar event reverberates at me, in small wave pools, tidal creatures swaying swaying. I’m sick of being such a jellyfish and I want become an orca whale, sonar crackling, singing under water like a god damn ambulance siren. Coax me to your island. No time for passivity, for not knowing yourself, for keeping distance from your desires and letting the wills of others weigh on you. Said better, I’m letting the will of others guide me too much. My decisions sometimes do not feel like my own. If any of these decisions were criminal (such as stealing a roll of toiletpaper and a scone) then who could be blamed but me? I could, if caught for something, plead insanity in a blame that god uses me as a puppet. Something like the zodiac who murdered people because he believed they would all be his slaves in the afterlife.

but not that, too drastic. Social upheavals within myself aside, I want to break out of present sloth and carve into passion with a hurricane force. The force of a burning cruise ship smashing into sleepy docks. The noise a cat makes when it sees birds flying out the window. The smell of marijuana mixed with black and mild. I will die if I do not create art of some kind. I would melt into a skeleton or sprout into a vegetable on the couch or become ice cube in a freezing river, nothing short of impossible to stop a motivated mind. Now motivate>

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