may 18th

Morning Free-Write (meditation in the form of words. an untangling.) 

Of all the things to dream about. Cheering of a crowd to the lashing of a friend when accidentally thrown under the bus. I need to let the wall fall down and the pure bleed of thoughts spritz out of me. There are barricades to this form of subconscious. First wall is the skull. The second wall is exterior distraction. The third wall is my own self-consciousness when I think of audience or burning coffee or the curvature of my spine and straighten up abruptly, too abrupt, I’ll feel that later. Then the sad music. Is it fitting? Should be joyous maybe or chaotic. I made breakfast this morning with the help of Between The Buried And Me’s new song. Just under ten minutes long. Potatoes and onions and faux sausage in three small corn tortillas with salsa and sour cream. Also a large coffee – the overcast sky slowly burning off into that forever blue. The cat in my care now again woke me with incomprehensible requests and went and shat in the neighbor’s garden. Don’t care. “My feet are always heavy as I inch toward the door.” and the guessing game is a lose lose situation. I’ll have to borrow the Tahoe. Move the furniture in a prose setting. Like Shields said. Like Grizzly Bear. Like Potomac. The boring prose of the lawn mower. The table setting prose of the archetypal biography writer. The daily habit of writing boring letters to dead friends. Letting the stamps rot. Keeping up with the dark blues of the summer nights when work schedules are filled out in greater depth deeply touched at the surface level and behind the eyes a kind of flaming violence all confiscated manifest, losing values in the flame of production value, losing virtues in the heroism of virtuous conquest, letting perspective lens eat themselves dry like lands all cropped and shared and shredded with prospector gold miners and earth diggers and eating the tree bark of madrona until human teeth start to grow out uncontrollably like a beaver’s and the need to feed is increased even if the food is nutrition-less.

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