This garage door is my only fortification protecting me against oblivion. Garage door is disconnected from its electronic original purpose which was never fulfilled. In childhood this room was storage and has been such and then I likened myself to music and the posters came up, the pot smoking friends came over, the blacklight paint came up, the sharpies came out, then hookah-coal shaped holes in the blue-grey thin carpet revealed themselves and Hank laughed that I had taped them all up with X’s in duct tape instead of exposing the inevitable concrete below us. Hookah coals spilled over. The garage door is now ruined by double sided tape and an attempt to counteract the terrible and graphic, artless graffiti along the panels. There is a muted grey. The paint brushes and solution I threw away two days ago. This attempt to reclaim the door itself is prolonged ever longer until I figure out how a better way without gouging the fundamental framework of the pre-teenage alcoholics with permanent markers and friends to impress (sedative – laughter calms the greater discussions at all times. this is why laughter calms the blood of those in grief. honest laughter. I allowed for honest laughter amidst dishonest fake laughter… despite letting the laughter fall onto me as the human worth laughing about and for and forever.).
Out there are stars. Are owls maybe. Osprey with their nest on the radio communications tower (when I get lost within your wilderness). Letting yourself feel your way through weird situations. Letting those weird situations themselves not feel their way through you. Letting situations feel weird and making your way through, because every discomfort is weird, and every weird is discomfort and then maybe enjoyment if weird and nonviolent enough.
I am in a box with the lid closed. I saw too many stars it made me shiver. I have nothing. I have swept the floors and held a hose. I stuck around and talked to the ladyfolk. I talked to the women. I let myself mystify myself with an incongruous attitude toward charming the idea of myself in the eyes of the ladies. I wanted to be something that mattered more than a military salute and I could not find it anywhere whatsoever.
“In a white car waiting for the rain to pass // he’s a buddy of mine but that won’t last”